


Priapissin Around

by StrawhatsAndDelibirds



Category: One Piece
Genre: it's all dick jokes babey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-17 23:10:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21951208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawhatsAndDelibirds/pseuds/StrawhatsAndDelibirds
Summary: It's a hard cock life for him.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Christmas gift to my cousin. Merry Christmas, and thanks for being not only my best friend, but a never ending fount of ideas and fun.

Usopp was known for part of the group that stirred up trouble on the ship. Things were different outside the ship, because out there him fucking around could get him killed. You had to know your audience, and his were his crewmates who were stuck on this boat with him. It was the perfect kind of audience to have. 

But right now it was a day where they had all decided to take it easy. Last he saw Luffy, he was sitting on top of Sunny’s head, so that meant that there was a good little bit before he was off causing trouble. Gentle guitar sounds filled the air on the ship as Franky and Brook practiced in the crow’s nest. Zoro was asleep, Sanji was busying himself in the kitchen, and Chopper was grinding some sort of medication along side the woman as they read on deck. 

He was going to take this moment of peace to tend to his pop greens. They were a hardy plant, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to give them the excellent care they deserve. If he took care of them, they’d take good care of him when it was time to fight. 

As he was inspecting the leaves to make sure there wasn’t any secret pest that had gotten on despite the insecticide he had sprayed on them, he heard the familiar sound of Sanji twirling out of the kitchen. Usopp had become very aware of the sound, because it meant that the rest of them were soon going to get snacks. Which meant he was going to have to be careful because Luffy was going to throw himself at the door because he was rubber and it was the problem of whomstever was in the way. 

Seeing as Usopp was out of the main range of Luffy’s mad scramble, he’d lean over the rail to see what they were getting on deck. He wanted to know what it was before Luffy licked all of ‘em in an attempt to claim all of them. 

“Nami my love~~~~! Robin my sweet~~~~~! I’ve made you some orange sorbet~~~~~ and tea~~~~~~~!” He swirled around dumbly as he did the moment he saw a woman. Usopp was just glad that he didn’t bleed himself to death. Chopper seemed to be keeping a close eye on him. Just because he hadn’t done it in a while, doesn’t mean that he couldn’t relapse into fatally horny again. 

There was a thud as Luffy hit the deck from somewhere on the front of the ship. That meant that it was safe to go now. It was ice cream, so that meant that Usopp did have time between now and the ice cream was gone. Even Luffy couldn’t eat it that fast. Fortunately, it seemed he did have a brain after all. 

“Watch it you shit head! You almost hit Nami!!” Sanji yelled for some reason at Luffy. It wasn’t going to stop him. Getting body slammed at mach speed was something you had to get used to as a Strawhat. No one was safe and you had to deal. 

Not to miss out on the ice cream, Chopper abandoned his work for now so he could get at least some. One day he’d remember that these were the one sweet where Luffy had to pace himself so there was no rush. It didn’t seem like today was going to be the day. 

Before Usopp could follow Chopper in, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Immediately he started to think of all the things that he had done. Even things he had done before he had met any of them. Maybe something unforgivable had been said and he didn’t realize it. 

“Hey Usopp, just wanted to let you know that your dick’s loose.” Sanji leaned in and whispered to him. Arguably that was miles worse than anything he had been thinking of. Sure all the guys had seen his dick cause they’ve all bathed together, but the girls hadn’t. He couldn’t think of the last time he had gone to the bathroom. That was so much time for your dick to be loose. 

He managed to work up the courage to look down. Quantity didn’t entirely matter, because any dick out is a ton of dick. That didn’t mean that Usopp didn’t want to know exactly how much shaft was on display. Relief washed over him as there was not a single bit of dick to be seen. Everything was where it should be. 

But that relief was soon replaced by rage, because Sanji had just straight face lied to him and made him freak out. You don’t just lie about someone’s dick being out. Sanji should know better!

“What?” Sanji asked, feigning confusion. 

“Don’t you what me. You’re an asshole. My dick is not out.” And he had the nerve to pretend like he was helping him out when he did it. The audacity. 

“I didn’t say it was out. I said it was loose. It’s not where it’s supposed to be.” 

“That’s synonymous for out!” He yelled whispered. 

They both stopped and looked over their shoulders. Robin might not’ve been looking, but Nami was doing the “I’m not looking but you totally know I am” move. If there was one thing worse than getting caught with your dick out, it was arguing about dicks being out. Usopp tilted his head towards the boy cabins. That way they could at least talk about this in peace. 

Following his cue, they both scurried into the boy’s cabin. Hopefully they hadn’t roused too much suspicion and the girls would forget about it entirely. They must’ve looked suspicious, but hopefully not in any way that was meaningful enough to follow up on.

There was a beat of silence after the door closed. 

“They are not the same thing, what the fuck are you talking about?” Sanji asked. He was nothing if not dedicated to the bit. 

“How are loose and out not the same thing???” Sanji had the audacity to roll his eyes. Like he hadn’t just said synonyms and expected him not to think they were the same thing. 

“Out means it’s hanging out of your pants. Loose means it’s not being held in place anymore.” Sanji said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and not absolutely fucking bonkers. 

“What do you mean held in place? My dick isn’t like velcroed onto me.” Sanji rolled his eyes. Usopp held his hands up in mock defensiveness. “Sorry if I’m not following on this nonsense you’re trying to sell me on.” 

“Am I going to have to show you? This is such an everyday thing, how do you not know about this?” Sanji chided him. The audacity. 

“I guess you’re have to, because you’re not making any fucking sense.” 

Sanji mumbled under his breath about how ridiculous this all was as he undid his belt and slid down his pants. The underwear situation was normal, except on his upper thigh Sanji had a garter holding his dick in place. Which made Usopp wonder if this was true commitment to a bit, or if this was a genuine thing that Sanji had been doing all the time the entire time he’s known him.

“If it’s not tucked away then it’s out! I don’t know how much clearer I can make this!” He gestured to his thigh in case Usopp didn’t notice. 

“Why do you have a garter on??” Sanji threw this arms in the air. 

“What the fuck do you mean “why”??? If it’s not being held down all the time then it’s in the way!” All of the words that Sanji was saying meant nothing to him. They were all words that he knew, but none of them made sense to him in that order. 

Usopp had to undo his overalls so he could make a point of his own. He slid them down and showed his garterless thighs. He’d consider this an exception to the no staring at other people’s dicks rule, because this was a mystery that they both had to get to the bottom of now. 

“Sanji I genuinely don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me.” Sanji squinted at him, as if he were the one fucking with him. This was going to be a problem if both of them, the most normal men on this ship, were at an impasse over this. 

Now Usopp was starting to doubt himself. Sanji had grown up around so many men in his life. Usopp lived with his mom and then on his own. He figured a lot of stuff out on his own. He had never had any issues with his situation up until this point. The possibility of him not knowing some really basic common knowledge things was definitely there. 

Looking at Sanji, he seemed equally unsure. He supposed there was some comfort in that. And it was really weird to share a moment like this when they both had their pants off and Usopp could see Sanji’s dick. He had to wonder if they were both having the same thought. 

As if on cue, Sanji fixed his pants as Usopp refastened his overalls. This wasn’t something that either of them wanted to do, but it wasn’t like they had much of a choice in the matter now. There were pressing unanswered questions that they both needed answers to, and he wasn’t sure that either of them were prepared for what was about to happen. 

Now redressed, they awkwardly scurried into the kitchen. Usopp could feel the women staring at them as they did. He desperately hoped that they didn’t hear what was being said. It was going to be embarrassing enough that they were going to have to have this conversation with the guys, he didn’t want the whole ship to know. 

Who was he kidding, they were probably going to find out anyways. He could at least hold onto the hope for a little bit longer. Or at least the hope that they wouldn’t say anything about it and they could pretend like it never happened. That would be the ideal at this point. 

The kitchen door closed, and they both waited a beat. They looked to the other in hopes that one of them would say it, but neither of them wanted to. It was so embarrassing, and already them awkwardly standing in the middle of the room was starting to get attention. Usopp was going to have an easier time. Luffy would get them both anyways, but Zoro would be more merciful to him than he would Sanji. 

“So here’s a weird question: Is it normal to not have something to hold down your dick in your pants?” The rest of the guys gave them weird looks. “Like under normal circumstances.” 

“No? Why would you need to? It’s just in there.” Franky gave them an odd look, as if he was a good way to measure it given all he wore was a speedo and a shirt. 

“Cause if it’s not then it’s in the way. Not all of us have robo-dicks we can kaleidoscope into our bodies when we’re not using it.” Sanji scowled, outing himself as the garter boy. 

“That’s not how it works, and what do you mean it’s in the way?” 

“I mean it’s just sticking out. It’s in the way.” There was silence. Usopp had too much to unpack back in the bunkroom alone, but he almost wish they had let the issue die. This was a suitcase that was better off just thrown away. 

“What do you mean it’s always sticking out? Do you mean like an erection?” Chopper asked, making this infinitely worse. The look he was giving Sanji was chilling. It was a look he had seen Zoro get so many times for being up and about while injured. 

“No! It’s not it’s different. Erections feel different.” Sanji squeaked, but Chopper was already climbing over the table to get to him. He was in heavy point now so you know he wasn’t fucking around. 

“Then let me change my quesiton: Is your penis hard all the time?” Usopp was going to go sit down, because this was getting serious and he felt like he should be somewhere else. 

“Yeah, it’s a penis. I’d be worried if it was soft all the time.” 

Chopper grabbed him by the shoulders and started shaking him. 

“What do you mean it is!!?? Don’t you know how serious that is???” While Usopp was glad that after all that happened today, that he hadn’t been the weird one today. It felt a little selfish to say right now as Sanji was getting in trouble with Chopper because of it, but he was in good hands now, so he didn’t really have to worry about that. 

“It always is! I don’t know what to tell you other than I thought that’s just how they are!” Sanji sounded mortified. Usopp felt bad for him. They should’ve taken this to Chopper privately. But at the same time, how was he supposed to know that this was going to devolve into this. 

“Sanji erections lasting this long are dangerous!! Don’t you know that it could cause irreparable damage to the penis if left untreated like it has!! Do you know how lucky you are?!” Chopper continued to scold. 

“Though given what we know about him, it does make sense that he has a boner all the time.” Zoro chimed in from the other side of the room. 

“Zoro this is serious!!” Chopper yelled. Sanji looked like he was about to melt into the floor in shame. He didn’t deserve any of this. Even if Zoro was right.

“I just thought this was how it was supposed to be.” Sanji mumbled into his hands. 

“Who told you that?! How could you think that was normal?!” Chopper remained unrelenting, freaking out over this. 

“You never said anything about it so I thought it was fine.”

“I didn’t think that that was something I was going to have to ask! You can get erections for a lot of reasons! Not every erection is a sign something’s gone wrong. Am I going to have to make that a check I do now?!” 

“You should call his dad.” Luffy chimed in now that he had finished off the ice cream. 

“I should!” Luffy grinned that mischievous grin he had whenever he was actively being a pain in the ass. Usopp was so glad that this wasn’t his problem this time. Sanji stopped, as if weighing out which would be worse. 

“You’re not talking about Zeff, are you?” The dread audible in his voice. 

“That’s exactly who we’re going to call. We need answers!” Sanji ran to intercept Luffy, but was stopped by Chopper who threw him over his shoulder. 

Chopper and Sanji yelled both for Luffy to stop, and for him to call his dad. There were threats to each other and to him thrown in for good measure, but it seemed as though they had already forgotten the first rule of dealing with Luffy. You can’t stop him once he’s made up his mind. 

Anything they had to say at this point didn’t matter, because Luffy had already made his choice on what he wanted to do. The table crew sat back and watched the show. They were probably all in the same situation that Usopp was in, in that he felt like he shouldn’t be there but was now to invested in needing to know what happens next that they didn’t want to leave. 

The room went silent as the transponder snail started to ring. The real show was about to begin.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

She watched as Sanji and Usopp stood awkwardly in a huddle. They were whispering and looking down, and if they were trying to be subtle about something, they were failing. She wasn’t one to pry into anyone’s business, but she found it really hard not to be suspicious of anyone on the ship when they were whispering to each other. 

Sanji was usually not one of the ones she had to look out for. He wasn’t so much a prank man as he was a get into dumb fights with Zoro and cause a scene kind of man. He made an active attempt not to inconvenience her because she was a lady. Usopp, on the other hand, was the type to pull pranks. It usually wasn’t her problem, so she didn’t mind unless Luffy was involved. Luffy allowed him access to a level of fearlessness that made him think she wouldn’t charge him an inconvenience fee.

Sanji approaching Usopp like this wasn’t something she’d expect. She was doing her best not to look directly at them, but she could “read” in their direction. It didn’t look like they were planning anything, but Usopp was making his flustered motions and pouting. So something was definitely going on. 

She hid behind her book as they looked over at her. They caught her for sure. There weren’t any high stakes in this, because Sanji wasn’t going to do anything to her because she was a girl, and Usopp wasn’t going to do anything because he knew better. The worst that could happen would be Usopp telling her to stop trying to listen to their conversations.

Peeking over her book, she watched them awkwardly hurry into the boys cabin. That sucked, now she had no way to figure out what those two were planning, even if the entire time they were too far away for her to hear what was going on. 

Actually, there probably was. Robin was on deck too, and there was no way that she wasn’t listening in. There wasn’t a single thing that was like this that got past Robin, because she was just like her and couldn’t not try and find out exactly what was happening on the ship. 

She looked over at Robin, who was already smiling knowingly. She definitely knew what had happened, and she knew that Nami wanted to know. 

“Sooo... “ Nami lead with, hoping that Robin would just tell her. 

“So?” Robin smiles playfully, enjoying having information that she wants. 

“So what were they talking about?” She was going to make her work for it, and Nami knew it. It wasn’t fair that she had the best devil fruit power on the ship. It made her too powerful, especially when it came to gossip. 

“Sanji and Usopp?” Nami hated this game so much. It was the worst. Robin was gonna make her squirm before she would tell her. 

“Yes! What did they say?” 

“Well what do you think they said?” Robin was either fucking with her, or in reality it was so obvious. Nami was a smart girl. If it really was the second, she could figure it out. 

She’d start at the beginning. Sanji said something that flustered Usopp. That wasn’t that hard to do, because he could be pretty shy if you said the right things. That could really mean anything. But then Usopp looked down at his crotch, then back to Sanji. Then they talked, and scuttled back into the men’s quarters. 

Oh. 

This wasn’t anything that had to do with pranks. This was a more personal matter between the two. Nami never really considered them having that kind of energy between them, but as far as the other men went, Sanji was a lot nicer to Usopp than he was to the rest of them. Other than Chopper, but everyone was nicer to Chopper. 

Robin chuckled as she was no doubt watching her come to this conclusion later than her. She did it in record time considering that Robin had the help of her devil fruit to inform her. Nami had to do it the old fashion way. 

Before Nami could say anything, the two of them awkwardly left the bunkroom and scurried into the kitchen. That was a lot faster than she would’ve expected. That was only a few minutes. That was barely time for anything. 

She wouldn’t move until the door closed behind them, but the moment it did she was right over next to Robin’s seat. They couldn’t be too loud because then they could be caught. It would make things weird forever it they found out they knew. Or at least they knew before they told them about it. 

“So it couldn’t have happened, right? There was no way they could’ve in that short of time.” She kept her voice down. There was yelling that was happening in the kitchen, so the odds that the guys would hear them were low but still there. 

“Well… who’s to say it happened?” But if that didn’t happen, then what was all that about?

Unless of course something else happened, or more accurately didn’t happen. Usopp had looked down, but Sanji hadn’t. Was it possible that. 

No, it was impossible. 

But at the same time, it made its own kind of sense. All this time he had put in the effort to keep up the facade, because that was all he could keep up. It was tragic. Between him and Brook, neither of them could do what they long so dearly to do. 

Robin nodded, confirming the worst. She was going to have to be nicer to the poor guy in the future. To think that he had been carrying this weight on his shoulders the whole time she knew him. That poor man. 

The yelling in the kitchen kept going. She had to wonder if the rest of the crew had figured it out, and that’s what all the noise was about. Part of her was tempted to go in there and yell at them for picking on him, but she already knew how Sanji was. He’d be devastated if he found out she knew. 

This whole time she had never realized how (not) hard he had had it. The writing had been on the wall this whole time, and she had been too blind to see. Hopefully Sanji would let her do something nice for him later. Maybe clean up his kitchen for him or something. 

Whatever it was, it was going to have to be really nice. Because it sounded like he was having a very (not) hard day in there. 


	3. Chapter 3

One of the perks that came with Eggplant becoming such a big name out on the sea, was that business was doing excellent. So much so that they had the funds to expand and even had enough for them to hire servers. It was an even more opportune time given that damn brat wasn’t here to bother the girls. Thank god for that. 

They also had more staff to help with prep. It made things a lot easier for him. That wouldn’t stop him from doing his share of the work. The geezers from his generation are either still working or die working. He wasn’t about to be shown up by anyone. Besides, one day when Eggplant comes by, he’d be setting a bad example if he was here letting everyone do his work for him. 

Zeff was busy peeling potatoes when he heard a commotion from the other room. It sounded like it was coming from the host stand. They were open, sure, but not a lot of customers had the balls to come in here and start yelling and causing a scene. They’d be thrown out on their ass before they could manage anything. Couldn’t rely on a bunch of green upstarts from the area to come bail them out. They could barely rely on them then. 

“What the hell is all the ruckus out here!” He demanded, setting his potatoes to the side to deal with whatever rabble was out here. 

But there was no customers standing there. Only the new host standing there, timidly holding the transponder snail microphone. The other end of it was the chaos he had been hearing. 

“Uhhh… Chef Zeff? They wanna talk to you.” The host held out the microphone for him to take. 

“Yeah!!! We got him!!!” A familiar voice yelled. 

“You were a shitty busboy, I’m not gonna rehire you.” He waved off the host who retreated into the restaurant to busy himself. They were going to have to toughen him up later. He wasn’t going to last long if some yelling made him skittish like that.

“What? I don’t wanna be some dumb busboy. I’m already gonna be the King of the Pirates.” The kid protested. 

“Alright, then why are you calling then.” It didn’t seem like something serious, but he was still going to pick up the transponder snail and carry it into the kitchen. He’d put it down on the counter and resume peeling as they talked. 

“HE’S NOT CALLING FOR ANY REASON!!” He heard Sanji yell in the background. He sounded fine, if not mortified. 

“We’re calling to ask about his weiner!” Luffy yell, the second half only semi coherent as Sanji started yelling. 

“Why the fuck would I know anything about that? He was grown enough to deal with himself when I got him.” The hell were these boys even doing. He’d wave off the chefs that weren’t familiar with Sanji. They had work to do and didn’t earn the right to poke fun at Eggplant the way the rest of them did. 

“Because apparently he’s been having constant erections to the point that he thinks it’s normal!!” A voice that he only vaguely remembered. It was their doctor’s voice. 

“I’m pretty sure I’d remember having to deal with-” Actually, now that he thought about it, he could remember something from a decade ago. “Is that what prompted our birds and the bees talk, Eggplant?” 

“*$&#^@&” Sanji yelled incoherently, yet at the same time it sounded a lot like a yes. 

“Shishishishi I haven’t heard Sanji make that sound since he got his first bounty!” Luffy cackled. 

“Makes everything about you make so much more sense!” Patty cackled from over his shoulder. 

“That’s what I said.” He could faintly hear Zoro in the background. 

“YOU STAY OUT OF THIS YOU SHITTY MOSSHEAD!!” 

“Whatever, boner boy.” There was a distant sound of clashing. Sounds like Sanji finally had enough. 

“None of you guys are taking this serious!! This could be causing irreparable damage to him!!” Chopper yelled. 

“Well what are the signs that there’s damage?” He genuinely didn’t believe this was a problem. If it was, the issues would’ve popped up years ago. 

“Well most of the time there’s be pain in the-” 

“OH MY GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!!” Sanji yelled, deciding he no longer wanted to fight the swordsman, changing his target to the doctor. 

“THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM AND I NEED TO KNOW HOW LONG THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING!!” 

“Well, as far as I’m aware, if this has been a problem for as long as it has, then any problem should’ve arose already. If you’re so worried you can keep an eye on him. There’s fuck all I can do.” 

He paused. A thought crept into his head. Eggplant was having a rough day, but it felt like he could still give the kid a hard time.

“How short are you, kid?” 

“Usually a few feet tall, why?” He didn’t see where he was headed with this. That was good, because it was always more fun when you caught them off guard. 

“I’ll give you some advice then. Keep a close eye on your socks and if you’re at dick level then be careful not to lose an eye.” With his words of wisdom given, he hung up. The boys behind him cackled, and he could feel Sanji screaming from all the way on the other end of the sea. 

But now that they’ve had their fun, there was still work to be done. 

“Alright, shitheads! Back to work!”


End file.
